It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
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found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
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I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
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