Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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