Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
we're so committed to being not committed
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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