u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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