i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
