The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
