Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
