I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
