hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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