i jhust puked up my retainher.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
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