He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
