Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
