there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
