Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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