i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
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Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
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All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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