life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
