Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
