you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
