Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
