You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
