I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
