Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
