The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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