The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
