Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
