You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
