I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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