My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
