I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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