went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
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If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
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Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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