dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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