Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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