dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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