he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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