The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
