There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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