it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
