Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
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