OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
