dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
