my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
