some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
