dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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