i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
