I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
