Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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