Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
