This dress was meant to end up on your floor
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
