I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
