I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize