dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
