my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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