Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?