Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...