Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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