I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
